However invincible and impassable stance you put forward, I somehow know you still weep for him. However convincing you sound when you say you’ve moved on, I somehow know you still have him sheltered in the deepest folds of your heart, away from anyone’s reach, safe.
And everyday, when the chaos subsides and silence breaks, you drown yourself back to the time when you’re still together.
It is a lush green bed of grass you two are lying on. He’s giving the final strokes of brush to his painting.
“Why is it day in one half and night in the other half?”, you ask after some failed attempts to comprehend the painting, while shifting the weight of your head to his shoulder, the most comforting pillow ever.
“You see the mid-aged couple here?”, he points at the sheet, “they’re so much into each other that they have been sitting here all day without actually realizing it. Love such as this is so amazing. Isn’t it?”
There’s an amber sparkle in his eyes and you fall for them once again.
“Yes. It is.”, you whisper, “Are they us?”
“I dont mind.”, he laughs and pinches your nose and you love how it smells of the paint.
And you glance across the painting once more, now imagining you two on the wooden bench by that lake, talking and laughing, watching the sun cover the distance back to its abode, seeing the birds chirp their way back to their nests. And you realize that you dont feel the need to go anywhere else.
This is your home and has always been.
‘Thud’ the window slider falls and pulls you back to the present. It’s pouring outside and you feel you don’t belong here.
A year has passed since that day and there is nothing you wouldn’t trade in exchange to relive it once again, to just lie next to him, to rest your head on his shoulder, to smell the paint off his fingers, and to watch him paint your world.
The silence of the room, the thunder outside and the memories are the demons you dont have the courage to fight with anymore. So you close your eyes and sink on the floor.
Yes, you miss him. But you miss yourself more.